"Bitching" or "The Other Thing"
by Osiris Brackhaus & Beryll
(* indicates Lord Elrond speaking)
(Gandalf walks into Elrond's study)
"Oh, here you are. I've been looking for you."
* "Yes?"
"I was wondering if you had gone into hiding with everything that's been happening in your household lately. I was a bit worried..."
* "I tried to contemplate the situation in solitude..."
"You mean the ring thing or the other thing?"
* "Which other thing might occupy my mind, old friend? Don't speak to me in riddles, we are both to old for that."
Gandalf, surprised "Now don't tell me, you haven't noticed!"
* "Haven't noticed what? I wouldn't ask if I had, would I?"
"Well, the way your foster son keeps sneaking into the rooms of the Prince of Mirkwood, for example."
* "Don't tell me he is molesting my guests again!"
"What do you mean: again?"
* "Never mind. Legolas, you say?"
"Well, that's were I saw him last..."
* "What do you imply? What is this unruly human male up to?"
"That's fairly obvious, isn't it?"
(Baleful glare from Elrond)
"Although we won't have to worry about him molesting the Prince as I saw the Prince climbing the balcony of Boromir of Gondor a couple of minutes ago..."
(Elrond blinks nervously, walks out onto the balcony. Gandalf follows.)
* "What is it with the youth nowadays? Such promiscuity has been unknown in my age!"
(Gandalf smirks)
"Was it? I remember hearing you were quite fond of Isildur..."
(Elrond turns)
* "You are talking of times you have never seen, so take care of what you are implying!"
"Well, I might not have been present then, but I have it on reliable account that you spend most of your nights in Isildur's tent. Or in Gil-galad's, when Isildur was not available..."
* "Who talks such rubbish?!"
"They say the lady of the woods sees far..."
* "That old hag! She has no idea hat happened! She was already sitting in her woods screwing innocent peoples minds while all the decent people were at war!"
"What a luck you were stuck with all the decent people..."
* "You are pushing my patience, Istari!"
"Oh, don't be so touchy. Anyway, the 'old hag' thought you were having quite some fun. Wonder what she will say when I tell her that nickname on my next visit..."
* "You wouldn't dare! What is this? Have you come to taunt me?"
"No. As you might recall I came to talk to you, for I thought you were worried about the behavior of your foster son."
* "You have drifted far from your subject, old man."
Gandalf, mumbling: "Not really..."
* "But you are right. It is indeed somewhat irksome to this his voracious appetite turned onto so many different people."
"There! You've said it again! I just noticed him stalking Legolas. Who else is he after?"
(Elrond blinks nervously, fussing over one of his tresses)
* "Well, I know he has been after some of the perian. And you pretty well know of my daughter."
"The halflings? Hmm, I wonder what they make of that. They seem to be pretty busy among themselves but maybe they can fit him in somewhere in between..." (dirty smile)
* "This is incredible! And all of that underneath my roof! What have we come to, old friend?"
"Well, in your gardens as well..."
(Elrond twitches nervously, leans on the rail of the balcony as if to see someone in the gardens)
* "One would think that they should be busy with their task at hand. After all saving the world is serious business. And in my times we would never have thought of such frivolities!"
"So what did you call it in your times?"
(A moment of baleful silence)
* "So have you any idea how to rule in this self-absorbed fellowship? - they are a traveling brothel, they are!"
"Not really. I don't think they pay each other... And at least they have... bonded."
* "Bonded? Oh Mithrandir, I am close to despair. You and me seem the only ones who have guarded a little rest of decency."
(Gandalf draws on his pipe thoughtfully)
"Say, could it be that you feel a bit... excluded?"
(Elrond fluffs up)
* "I would never join such unnatural intercourse!"
"Ah, rubbish. We already had that and you did! Maybe they are all just a bit young for you."
(Unhappy silence)
"Now dear..." Walks up to Elrond. "I know you miss the old days when you were the young hero. But you really have to give them a chance, too."
* "This conversation is incredible!"
(Gandalf smiles)
"Why, thank you."
(Acidic smirk from Elrond)
* "I can understand that the youngsters are pretty bend on wooing, but what happened to them wooing women? Is that out of fashion now?"
"Surely not! There are just not as many around right now right here. And you wouldn't want all of them going after your daughter, would you now?"
* "That would be... deadly for some of them. Most of them, actually... All of them. Which wouldn't help us at all with that ring thing."
"So we should be grateful for their going after each other."
* "Boffing like bunnies in my valley. Oh Valar, I am getting old."
"Naw, you're not. You are just wearing rather outdated clothing and have a ridiculous haircut."
* "You say...?! You are the one wearing old dyed grain bags, and that ridiculous hat of yours is neither useful nor does it suit you in any way!"
"Well, at least I'm not wearing a petite little silver crown..."
* "Well, at least I care for my appearance! When was the last time you washed your hair? And I bet you haven't cut it since the end of the second age! Do you even know what a comb looks like?"
"Now I see why you maintain you were never in bed with Isildur. He was doing your hair!"
(Elrond slaps Gandalf)
* "Don't you talk like that of fallen heroes!"
(Gandalf smiles)
"Wasn't it you who named him betrayer of mankind?"
* "Well..." grins dirty despite himself "It wasn't exactly on the battlefield that he was a hero..." (...) "And I never said that!"
(Gandalf smirks and bows)
* "Human emotions seem to be somewhat contagious. Especially the stronger ones."
"Stronger humans or emotions?"
(unintelligible noise from Elrond)
"So we will let them enjoy themselves as long as they still can?"
* "As long as they keep away from my daughter. I think we have no choice... Say... would you think that young Greenleaf is to young for me?"
"No, absolutely not. But he seemed rather intend on poor Boromir."
* "Drat."
"Sooo, what are your plans for tonight?" Gandalf steps closer
* "Noo! You can't truly think of that!"
"Well, actually I do."
* "Just look at yourself! You're a disgusting old man!"
"Nothing a few glasses of wine can't cure." Gandalf steps even closer
* "You are audacious, Mithrandir! Audacious!"
"Yes...?"
* "You are not even remotely in a position for such a proposal."
"Well, you are the one standing on your balcony all
alone while I will be going on an adventure trip with our happy little band
of dedicated... paragons of virility."
"But if you'd rather stay here... I'll go and drink that wine on my own."
* "What has made you so cruel, Mithrandir? Bringing pain to the heart of an Elvan Lord that has been at rest for such a long time."
"Only the dead truly rest, dear Elrond."
* "Maybe you're right. Maybe a little wine would ease my burden. But I'm only going to join you on the wine! Harken that, Istari!"
"Sure..."
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to: Osiris Brackhaus & Beryll